Compared to hindsight, retrospect seems rounder…

Ahem. I’m clearing my literary throat. I’m cracking my neuron knuckles (those magical ones that make my blind fingers whack just the right key). I’m preparing myself to do some cold turkey blogging. I’m just gonna blurt. I think it’s going to be about the whole ball of man diet wax, and how it waned so… poetically, to an end. I think I’m going to blather on about the end of that, and about this tall pinnacle or precipice I am standing on now, catching my breath, ready to dive in to this next chapter, this next year, this leap, this unknown but confident sparkling future that lies before me now…

I have told my beautiful young daughter, and also my old-soul son, that we are responsible for our own hearts. You can never hold someone else responsible for breaking your heart. No one has the ability to reach into you, inside of you, and hurt your heart. Your heart only becomes vulnerable when you put it out there, and that takes such bravery. When we are young, maybe it takes more ignorance (naivete)… but I think we are only ignorant about how brave we are being when we barge around with our hearts held out. But we have to be very very wise and very cautious with our hearts. We are responsible for continuing to offer it to a person that lies to us, and says or does things that hurt us. Continuing to take your own heart out and give it again and again to a person that is hurting you… you alone must take the responsibility for that. Of course there is risk and pain in all relationships, it can be like a dance, the love and the fear and the pain and forgiveness, but both hearts must dance together. Love is not a solo show and it’s not a game with only one player. Your heart is not a football. In a healthy relationship, every heart is a team, love is the ball, and the field is round… so when anyone carries the love over the goal line, everybody wins. When it’s sucky, you foolishly give your heart away, and some guy uses it as a plaything, a football, kicking it and throwing it around to score for himself. And all you get out of that is an empty feeling and a bashed up heart that takes years to heal. The guy or girl that plays football with your heart is not going to be around to pick up your broken pieces and to coddle your poor bruised and battered heart… you get to do that. And it sucks. And it’s not easy. And it takes a very long time.

We use our hearts every day, all day, to feel things, to navigate around our daily lives, and to show people close to us that we love them. When it is bruised and battered, everything hurts, everything is distorted, life changes for us. Giving your heart to someone is a very risky business. The consequences can be devastating. Be careful with your heart. Be wise, but be brave, you are responsible for it, so guard it and give your love wisely and know how valuable it is when you do!

My broken heart and blame is what led me to the Man Diet. I needed to get to the taking of responsibility, to the finding the missing pieces to my puzzle, and realizing they never fell out of me… they were inside of me the whole time. That’s just it… our hearts break inside of us, they only feel like they are outside of us because I think sometimes we wish it were that easy. If we could really give our heart to a person, that would be it, all they could ever ask for, we wouldn’t have to do anything else, we could just get on with the unchecked rest of our “list”. Then we could make them responsible for every little bump in the relationship… because they’re holding the heart. They did it. Them, them, them.

That’s kinda where I find myself right now. Realizing that I’m in a healthy (on his part, at least) relationship for the very first time in my life. My honey (honey, honey!) is so sweet, so impossibly patient (it’s ridiculous, truly), but I am finding myself once again to be quite surprisingly covert in my operations. I keep being surprised at the sneaky ways I am trying to sabotage my own happiness, and his. I want to just say, “Right, here’s my heart, don’t fuck it up, buddy!”. But I know better than that. I know that it doesn’t work that way. Because now I’m owning it, I’m taking responsibility for my heart. I get to leave my heart in my chest this time. It’s better there. I’m keeping my heart, and giving my love. I will give my love freely and bravely and with as much wisdom as I can stand.

In retrospect, maybe the roundness of my hind blocks my view in hindsight. Do girls with narrow asses have this problem?

the Only

he is the Only
the Only one
he is the Only one that has
that Something

that Something, there in his walk
Never have noticed before
the way a man carries his Soul around
until now
it’s Something like an understood confidence
Something like a cool kind of wisdom
a cool that warms me

that Something is there in his eyes
I Never have seen that before
Never have seen that anywhere
in his eyes there is Something like knowing
Something like a light
always dawning on me

that Something in his arms, his embrace
Never have felt that before
Never in the whole of my life
it is Something like hope that is real
Something like a gift
that opens me instead

that Something in his presence
that Something like impossible patience
it is Something like a puzzle Peace
it calms me though I don’t understand it

that Something
that Something about him
it is in his heart
it is in the whole Soul of him
it is Something like beginning
Something like together
Something like a day
and a night
it is Something like a week
or a month
or a year
or a lifetime
it is Something like time after time
it is Something like Love

and seeing it there
and feeling it there
and sleeping and waking and being
there
Something happens in me
Something lights up in me
Something fills up with hope in me
Something is stronger in me
Something is peaceful in me
and my whole Soul knows
he is
the Only
he is the Only one

the Moon and her Shadows

I am like the Moon, said the girl
said the willow tall girl to the heavens
I am like the Moon

I am like the Moon, she said
to the star that fell from its home
to the star that fell down
and down
to the star that wanted to be
like the Sun

Stardust! I am like the moon now! I am like the moon!
I have learned to dance slowly
in shadows
I have learned to stay here in my place
I have learned not to fall down into darkness
I have learned
I have learned

I have learned that a woman
will burn herself out
if she tries to shine light
or cast shadows

Let the man
be the Sun

Let him shine
for you
casting shadows
to dance in at night

Let the man
burn bright
absorb his light
he will come looking
to find it again

Let him follow you
across the sky

And let him find you
in the cool of the night
dancing in your mysterious sky
absorbing
reflecting
giving him back
his light
made more beautiful
by your embrace
perfected
by your reflection
but still
and always
his own

Morning!

Oh palette day
oh beautiful blank
slate
wiped clean by
the darkness of
night

Oh beautiful fresh
beginning again
and
again
returned
again
and
again
oh beautiful
fresh
beginning
again

Palette day
with your colors
yet un
un painted
un marred
un smeared
un begun
inside the lines
outside of
the box
against
the grain
with the flow
I’ll go
where I’ll go
where
I’ll go
with this
beautiful fresh
beginning
again

Oh beautiful palette
Oh beautiful day
Oh let’s
PAINT!

Fallowed Heart

the rock hard
the rock hard
my heart

your words
sharp and true
your words
a seed meant for me
a seed that would be planted
a seed that wants to grow
a seed that is bursting
with the essence of
life
love
and all the ever afters
I have ever ever
hoped for

that seed
fell
on the rock hard

how can I till my
rock hard
heart?

how can I break this
fallowed ground
gone bad?

what does it take to soften
this rock hard?

how can I rain on it?
how can I till a stone?
must I work at it alone?

your words
your beautiful sharp true words
genuine golden
promises
lay strewn upon
the rock hard

I must hurry
I must hurry so
your words don’t waste away

I want your love to grow
like a tree
but this is no ground for growing
this is no ground for a living thing
this is the rock hard place
this is the rock hard
my heart

In My Heart

there is room for you
there is room for us
there is room for the future
there is room
there is room