Dandelion Night

dandenight
when I was a little
girl
we used to love
dandelions
something so magical
about the whisper-soft parasols
floating floating
even when you blew so hard you
spit

fields
became birthday cakes
filled
with flower candles
so many wishes
wishes to make
in those
dandelion days
when I was a
girl

hold it in your hand
close your eyes and
blow!

there was something so sad
about the flowerless stem
left in my hand
something empty
about the skeletal uprooted remains
but I didn’t want to kill it
I only wanted
to blow it away

blow it away
let the parasols float
up and out
into the fieldsdande1
full of wishes

but on that dandelion night
no longer a little girl
on that night when he
finally came home
I became
the dandelion

the sun never came out that day
it was drizzling when we moved in
still drizzling when he left
with the guys
return the moving truck and come back
he said
to help me unpack
he saiddande3

my little one had been sick
and I was eight months along
working together
he helped mommy unpack
until the storm turned the lights out
and he was
afraid
I dove into the sea of boxes in the dark cold house
trying to find a flashlight candle match lighter
umbrella
I could walk with my son to a store to buy a flashlight candle match lighter
but not enough lights or umbrellas and too much boxes and lightning
kept me there
in the cold dark
waiting

waiting
I called him
at the guys housedande4
he hung up
after blaming
me
for the dark

he was right
on a larger scale
than he was ever capable
of knowing

I found a box
in the dark of my own doing
it had winter coats in it
I wrapped my son up and laid down with him
until he fell asleep
and the lights came back on

but I didn’t want to see

I don’t remember what I did
in the time between my child sleeping
and the storm coming inside
with him when
he finally
came home

I do remember the boxes on my bed
too heavy to risk liftingdande5
I had a baby
to protect
no where to lie down
no where to rest
no where to rest
while waiting

I do remember praying
that God would
keep my baby
from the storm
inside my heart
from the dark of
my own doing
from my chosen life
of blindness and
waiting

What was it that I would not see?
What was it that I would not allow?

I could not see him there
I could not see him standing over me
I could not see what his drunken slurs were tearing apart in me
I could not see that gun
I could not see
that he didn’t want
to kill me
he only wanted to

blow me away
dande6

Perspective

from where I stood
you tried to break
and break
and break me

but I was too
I was too…
rigid
protected
resistant
demanding
controlling

I was too
unbreakable

for my own good

and my own good
is what I didn’t know
from there
from where I stood

you tried
you tried
to love me
but your own good
wouldn’t let you
so you began
to break away
and that breaking away
that breaking away…
that slow and steady pain
of my own resistance
holding on so tightly
I breathed you in and refused to
let you go
a prisoner in my heart
I would have kept you locked away
but you were too
you were too
unchainable
unhaveable
unbendable
un…
mine

you were all of those
for your own good

and I broke myself open
fighting against
my own good
and yours

from where I stand now
what I didn’t know
about being broken
about being broken open
is filling me to overflowing
with my own good

To rest…

So it’s not like being swept off my feet… it’s more like I’ve put the broom back in the broom closet forever and I’ve gone out to lay in the grass and gaze up at the sky. My heart has fallen silent and peaceful.

This is a new place I’ve discovered. This is a new restful plateau. I’ve not been here before. I think I saw this place from above once and I couldn’t figure out how to get down to it. I was in the clouds and they kept blocking the view of this magical place I am in.

And he is not just holding my hand. His hand is like peace that has been placed on my heart. I can rest in him. My mind can rest. My heart can rest.

He is not a question. There is no question to ask. He is the answer… and the answer is “Everything is just right, darling.”

It doesn’t feel like being swept off my feet… it feels more like I was a kite that turned into a girl. No more winds will blow me away into the emotion of a cloudy sky. Instead, I am laying on the grass, with his hand on my heart, making bunny shapes out of the clouds that used to get in my way.

On my Birthday Eve…

The years are like shadows
like gifts
from the sun

time falls across
you casting shadows
at your feet
like the present
you can’t return

once the shadow is cast
there it is
once the year has past
there it is
the only thing to change
is your perspective

facing the future
the shadows fall behind you
and you cannot see how they stretch
to your last known horizon

facing what has past
the shadows darken the path
and you cannot clearly see
the safest place
to take that step
but no
we dare not tread
within those shadows
of our past
they are dark and meant only
to show us where we have been
they are a mark
of those lessons we have already
carried

turn again to the future
and your shadow turns with you
it is a strange reflection of your every
moment
and like a sundial you cast your shadow
around the circumference of your every day
and in each moment
adjust your perspective
so you will step into the light
and not into your
dark

now go into this coming year
open wide your heart
your mind
let the future cast it’s light
on all the new places and people and
possibilities
your shadow has yet to embrace
and Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday
dear friend

Love be a Lion

Love be a lion
don’t be a mouse

Love growl and prowl and snarl
do not scurry and hide

Threaten to devour and encompass me
beat my heart hard like a crazed native drummer
make your eyes gleam with the rhythm of me

Love be a lion
make me fear for my life
make me fear for a life
without
you

Hope

when you hug a girl with a broken heart
you need hope
to help you hold her

when you look into her eyes and you still see sadness there
you need hope
to light your smile

when you hold out your hand
but she’s scared to let go of the one thing she’s clinging to…
hope can convince her
to take a chance
to take a chance
again

you will plant kind words
where broken promises lie bleeding
and one day
hope will turn her heart into a garden

you will plant kisses
to paint her with happiness
and one day
hope will kiss you back

then day by day
moment by moment
your hope and hers
will turn hugs and smiles and touches and words
and kisses…
into love