Terra not so Firma

clouds beneath my feet
turn into starlight
and I am floating
just now
floating off into places
and heights only whispered about before
to me
in my dreamiest

tonight I danced
on my tippy toes
with my fiance
my dream boat ridiculous fiance
six foot plus
blue eyed
that hugh grant accent thing he’s had since birth
and those blue eyes aren’t just blue
they are magical
seeing only the best
always the best
in me
impossible I thought
but now I know
he’s true
and I’m a believer

saying it now

soft white feelings
whip me up like cool whip
fluffy and airy I float all
misty and cool and shiny like the moon hiding under a branch
I’m the rightiest keys on the piano at mom’s
high and tinkly and croony like Timberlake and
I’m loving you but
you can’t feel me
you don’t know
you don’t know
you don’t know
because I don’t say
I don’t say
I just come back down to earth
in the kitchen

and I don’t say

Compared to hindsight, retrospect seems rounder…

Ahem. I’m clearing my literary throat. I’m cracking my neuron knuckles (those magical ones that make my blind fingers whack just the right key). I’m preparing myself to do some cold turkey blogging. I’m just gonna blurt. I think it’s going to be about the whole ball of man diet wax, and how it waned so… poetically, to an end. I think I’m going to blather on about the end of that, and about this tall pinnacle or precipice I am standing on now, catching my breath, ready to dive in to this next chapter, this next year, this leap, this unknown but confident sparkling future that lies before me now…

I have told my beautiful young daughter, and also my old-soul son, that we are responsible for our own hearts. You can never hold someone else responsible for breaking your heart. No one has the ability to reach into you, inside of you, and hurt your heart. Your heart only becomes vulnerable when you put it out there, and that takes such bravery. When we are young, maybe it takes more ignorance (naivete)… but I think we are only ignorant about how brave we are being when we barge around with our hearts held out. But we have to be very very wise and very cautious with our hearts. We are responsible for continuing to offer it to a person that lies to us, and says or does things that hurt us. Continuing to take your own heart out and give it again and again to a person that is hurting you… you alone must take the responsibility for that. Of course there is risk and pain in all relationships, it can be like a dance, the love and the fear and the pain and forgiveness, but both hearts must dance together. Love is not a solo show and it’s not a game with only one player. Your heart is not a football. In a healthy relationship, every heart is a team, love is the ball, and the field is round… so when anyone carries the love over the goal line, everybody wins. When it’s sucky, you foolishly give your heart away, and some guy uses it as a plaything, a football, kicking it and throwing it around to score for himself. And all you get out of that is an empty feeling and a bashed up heart that takes years to heal. The guy or girl that plays football with your heart is not going to be around to pick up your broken pieces and to coddle your poor bruised and battered heart… you get to do that. And it sucks. And it’s not easy. And it takes a very long time.

We use our hearts every day, all day, to feel things, to navigate around our daily lives, and to show people close to us that we love them. When it is bruised and battered, everything hurts, everything is distorted, life changes for us. Giving your heart to someone is a very risky business. The consequences can be devastating. Be careful with your heart. Be wise, but be brave, you are responsible for it, so guard it and give your love wisely and know how valuable it is when you do!

My broken heart and blame is what led me to the Man Diet. I needed to get to the taking of responsibility, to the finding the missing pieces to my puzzle, and realizing they never fell out of me… they were inside of me the whole time. That’s just it… our hearts break inside of us, they only feel like they are outside of us because I think sometimes we wish it were that easy. If we could really give our heart to a person, that would be it, all they could ever ask for, we wouldn’t have to do anything else, we could just get on with the unchecked rest of our “list”. Then we could make them responsible for every little bump in the relationship… because they’re holding the heart. They did it. Them, them, them.

That’s kinda where I find myself right now. Realizing that I’m in a healthy (on his part, at least) relationship for the very first time in my life. My honey (honey, honey!) is so sweet, so impossibly patient (it’s ridiculous, truly), but I am finding myself once again to be quite surprisingly covert in my operations. I keep being surprised at the sneaky ways I am trying to sabotage my own happiness, and his. I want to just say, “Right, here’s my heart, don’t fuck it up, buddy!”. But I know better than that. I know that it doesn’t work that way. Because now I’m owning it, I’m taking responsibility for my heart. I get to leave my heart in my chest this time. It’s better there. I’m keeping my heart, and giving my love. I will give my love freely and bravely and with as much wisdom as I can stand.

In retrospect, maybe the roundness of my hind blocks my view in hindsight. Do girls with narrow asses have this problem?

the Only

he is the Only
the Only one
he is the Only one that has
that Something

that Something, there in his walk
Never have noticed before
the way a man carries his Soul around
until now
it’s Something like an understood confidence
Something like a cool kind of wisdom
a cool that warms me

that Something is there in his eyes
I Never have seen that before
Never have seen that anywhere
in his eyes there is Something like knowing
Something like a light
always dawning on me

that Something in his arms, his embrace
Never have felt that before
Never in the whole of my life
it is Something like hope that is real
Something like a gift
that opens me instead

that Something in his presence
that Something like impossible patience
it is Something like a puzzle Peace
it calms me though I don’t understand it

that Something
that Something about him
it is in his heart
it is in the whole Soul of him
it is Something like beginning
Something like together
Something like a day
and a night
it is Something like a week
or a month
or a year
or a lifetime
it is Something like time after time
it is Something like Love

and seeing it there
and feeling it there
and sleeping and waking and being
Something happens in me
Something lights up in me
Something fills up with hope in me
Something is stronger in me
Something is peaceful in me
and my whole Soul knows
he is
the Only
he is the Only one

the Moon and her Shadows

I am like the Moon, said the girl
said the willow tall girl to the heavens
I am like the Moon

I am like the Moon, she said
to the star that fell from its home
to the star that fell down
and down
to the star that wanted to be
like the Sun

Stardust! I am like the moon now! I am like the moon!
I have learned to dance slowly
in shadows
I have learned to stay here in my place
I have learned not to fall down into darkness
I have learned
I have learned

I have learned that a woman
will burn herself out
if she tries to shine light
or cast shadows

Let the man
be the Sun

Let him shine
for you
casting shadows
to dance in at night

Let the man
burn bright
absorb his light
he will come looking
to find it again

Let him follow you
across the sky

And let him find you
in the cool of the night
dancing in your mysterious sky
giving him back
his light
made more beautiful
by your embrace
by your reflection
but still
and always
his own

Hong Kong Coffee

Open wide your heart
your arms
open wide your arms
embrace me
hold me close
hold me tight
hold me close
in your wide
in your wide
and open

I can hear you
in his voice
I can hear you
he loves me
he loves me
from a coffee shop
in Hong Kong
he loves me
across the wide
across the wide
across the wide