Dandelion Night

when I was a little
girl
we used to love
dandelions
something so magical
about the whisper-soft parasols
floating floating
even when you blew so hard you
spit

fields
became birthday cakes
filled
with flower candles
so many wishes
wishes to make
in those
dandelion days
when I was a
girl

hold it in your hand
close your eyes and
blow!

there was something so sad
about the flowerless stem
left in my hand
something empty
about the skeletal uprooted remains
but I didn’t want to kill it
I only wanted
to blow it away

blow it away
let the parasols float
up and out
into the fields
full of wishes

but on that dandelion night
no longer a little girl
on that night when he
finally came home
I became
the dandelion

the sun never came out that day
it was drizzling when we moved in
still drizzling when he left
with the guys
return the moving truck and come back
he said
to help me unpack
he said

my little one had been sick
and I was eight months along
working together
he helped mommy unpack
until the storm turned the lights out
and he was
afraid
I dove into the sea of boxes in the dark cold house
trying to find a flashlight candle match lighter
umbrella
I could walk with my son to a store to buy a flashlight candle match lighter
but not enough lights or umbrellas and too much boxes and lightning
kept me there
in the cold dark
waiting

waiting
I called him
at the guys house
he hung up
after blaming
me
for the dark

he was right
on a larger scale
than he was ever capable
of knowing

I found a box
in the dark of my own doing
it had winter coats in it
I wrapped my son up and laid down with him
until he fell asleep
and the lights came back on

but I didn’t want to see

I don’t remember what I did
in the time between my child sleeping
and the storm coming inside
with him when
he finally
came home

I do remember the boxes on my bed
too heavy to risk lifting
I had a baby
to protect
no where to lie down
no where to rest
no where to rest
while waiting

I do remember praying
that God would
keep my baby
from the storm
inside my heart
from the dark of
my own doing
from my chosen life
of blindness and
waiting

What was it that I would not see?
What was it that I would not allow?

I could not see him there
I could not see him standing over me
I could not see what his drunken slurs were tearing apart in me
I could not see that gun
I could not see
that he didn’t want
to kill me
he only wanted to

blow me away